Dating as a single parent in a regional town

Dating as a single parent is a juggle anywhere. In a regional town, there are a few extra balls in the air. The babysitter went to school with your ex. The other parents on the sideline notice when someone new turns up to watch. And the nearest restaurant that isn't the RSL might be forty minutes away.

Here's how to make it work without your kids or your town paying for it.

Your time is the real constraint, so plan around it

Plan in-person dates for kid-free time and keep the rest for messages. Most single parents have a pattern: every second weekend, alternate weeks, or a few nights here and there when the other parent has the kids. Use it.

Tell a new match your pattern early. "I've got the kids every second week, so I'm free on the off weeks" saves a lot of confusion. If your pattern changes because of holidays, sport or a sick kid, say so. Most people who are also parents get it immediately.

What to say about your kids in your profile

Say you're a parent, and keep the kids themselves out of it. Being upfront filters out people who aren't interested in a family and tells other parents you understand the juggle.

• No photos of your children, including group shots and photos where they're in the background.
• No names, ages or schools. "I have two kids, mostly primary school" is plenty.
• No details about the custody arrangement beyond what someone needs to plan a date.

An example of a line that does the job:

"Dad of two, every second week. Footy sidelines in winter, the river in summer. Looking for someone who doesn't mind plans that sometimes start at 9am rather than 9pm."

Our guide to keeping your dating life private in a small town covers the other details worth leaving out.

Babysitting in a town where everyone talks

You don't owe a babysitter the details. In a city you can book a sitter who has never heard of you; in a small town, your sitter knows your ex, your ex's mum and probably the person you're having dinner with.

Some parents use family for date nights. Others swap babysitting with a trusted friend who's also a single parent, which has the bonus of being free. If you use a sitter, "I'm going out for dinner" is enough. Daytime dates during school hours sidestep the question entirely.

Keep the first few dates away from home

Meet somewhere public, drive yourself, and don't invite a date back to your place while the kids are around. That's partly safety and partly about what your kids see.

A walk, a coffee in the next town or a weekend lunch all work well around school drop-offs and sport. Our active date ideas has more options that don't need a late night, and a short bushwalk first date fits neatly into a school day.

Introducing a new partner to your children

Wait until it's serious, then keep it short and low-key. There's no set timeline, but a few principles make it easier:

1. Wait until it's serious. Kids get attached. A series of short-lived "friends" is confusing for them.
2. Tell the other parent first, if you can do so safely, so the kids aren't the messengers.
3. Keep the first meeting short and neutral. A park, a beach, a casual barbecue. Not Christmas Day.
4. Let the kids set the pace. Some will warm up quickly; others will need time.
5. Don't ask them to keep secrets. If you're seeing someone, tell them in an age-appropriate way rather than letting them work it out.
6. Hold off on sleepovers when the kids are home until everyone's comfortable with the relationship.

The other parent and the grapevine

In a small town, your ex will probably hear you're dating before you tell them. Consider telling them yourself before the kids meet anyone, so it doesn't come to them second-hand from the children.

You don't need their permission to date. But a short, matter-of-fact heads-up can stop a lot of drama. If contact with your ex isn't safe, skip this step and look after yourself first: 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) offers confidential support for anyone affected by domestic, family or sexual violence.

Moving in, money and payments

If things get serious, moving in together has practical effects beyond who sleeps where. If you receive a Centrelink payment, Services Australia says you normally need to tell it within 14 days of starting a relationship, and that a partner's income and assets may affect what you get. Check before you combine households, not after.

Schools, custody arrangements and the kids' friends all come into it too, especially if one of you would be changing towns. Our guide to moving town for a relationship goes through the questions worth answering first.

Safety for parents

The usual first-date rules apply, plus a few extra.

• Watch for anyone more interested in your kids than in you. Someone who pushes to meet your children early, offers to babysit before you know them well, or asks a lot about their routines is a reason to step back.
• Watch for pressure. Scamwatch lists quick declarations of love and pressure to keep a relationship secret among the warning signs of a relationship scam.
• Money requests are a hard no. Anyone you haven't met who needs money is following a script, however sympathetic the story. Single parents under financial pressure are not immune to an "investment opportunity" either.
• Look after yourself. If dating, co-parenting and work are getting on top of you, Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36.

Our safety page and romance scams guide go into more detail.

Getting started

Oasis Singles is for singles outside the capitals, parents included. Joining, setting up a profile and browsing are free, so you can look around on a kid-free evening and decide later whether to pay to read and reply to messages. How it works explains the rest. If you're also new in town, see our guide to dating in a small town.