Long-distance dating when you're three hours apart

Out here, distance is normal. You already drive two hours for a cricket carnival or a cousin's wedding without thinking much of it. But dating someone three hours away is different from a one-off trip: it's every second weekend, a tank of fuel at a time, for as long as it lasts.

That's not a reason to rule someone out. It's a reason to be honest early about what it will take.

What counts as long distance in the country?

In regional Australia, long distance usually means anything you can't do as a weeknight date: roughly two hours' drive or more each way. At that range you see each other on weekends or days off, and the travel becomes a recurring cost in money, time and energy rather than a one-off effort.

That's different from interstate or overseas long distance, where visits involve flights and weeks apart. Most of this guide is about the drivable kind: Mildura to Bendigo, Dubbo to Orange and beyond, the Hunter to Tamworth, Toowoomba to the Sunshine Coast.

Get to know each other before the first long drive

Do more of the getting-to-know-you before the first meeting, because a three-hour drive is a big investment for one coffee.

• Message for a while, but not forever. A week or two of regular messages tells you a lot. Months of messages without meeting tells you something too.
• Phone, then video. A phone call shows whether you can talk; a video call shows the person matches their photos. Scamwatch lists repeated refusal or cancellation of video calls or in-person meetings as a warning sign of a relationship scam.
• Ask the practical questions. What does their work week look like? Do they have kids every second weekend? Are they open to travelling, or do they expect you to do all the driving?

None of this is unromantic. It's the difference between a good first meeting and six hours in the car for a coffee that should have been a phone call.

Do the maths before the feelings get ahead of you

Long distance has costs that city dating doesn't: fuel, time, sometimes accommodation, and the weekends you're not spending on your own life. Talk about it early and plainly, before anyone feels taken for granted.

A quick way to see the real cost of one visit: return distance, multiplied by your car's fuel use, at today's price at the bowser, plus a night's accommodation if you need it, plus meals. Then multiply by how often you'd do it in a month. Seeing the number on paper makes the "who drives" conversation much easier.

Most couples end up mixing these. What matters is that it feels fair to both of you, and that you say so if it stops feeling fair. An example of how to raise it without making it awkward:

"I'm loving these weekends. Can we work out the driving so neither of us ends up doing all of it? I was thinking we take turns, and meet halfway when one of us is wrecked."

If one of you works a roster, the timing gets trickier; our guide to dating with FIFO or shift work covers planning around swings.

Making the first meeting worth the drive, and safe

Make the first meeting easy to enjoy and easy to leave. You've done the video call and you like each other; now remove the pressure.

1. Meet somewhere public. A café, a pub lunch, a busy walking track. Not their house, and not somewhere remote.
2. Book your own room. Even if you think you won't need it. It takes the pressure off both of you and means you never have to drive home tired or upset.
3. Drive yourself. Your own car means your own timetable.
4. Tell someone. A friend should know who you're meeting, where, your route, and when you'll check in.
5. Drive in daylight where you can. Country roads at dusk are where tiredness and wildlife meet. Plan the date so nobody is doing three hours home in the dark after a long day.

Know where your route loses signal. The Triple Zero service notes that if there's no mobile coverage on any network, you won't be able to reach emergency services from a mobile, which is one more reason someone should know when to expect you. Our safety page has the full checklist for first meetings, and a bushwalk first date needs a bit more planning again.

Keeping it going between visits

The time between visits is where long-distance relationships are won or lost, so give it a shape.

• Have the next visit in the diary. Knowing when you'll next see each other turns "I miss you" into "eleven more days".
• Talk at a regular time. A phone call on the drive home from work or a video call on Sunday night gives the week a rhythm.
• Do things together apart. Watch the same game, cook the same recipe, both do the Saturday morning run in your own towns and compare times.
• Keep your own life going. Your club, your mates, your weekends off. A relationship that only exists in the car or on a screen gets heavy fast.
• Mix up the visits. Not every weekend has to be a big one. Some of the best visits are just ordinary Saturdays in each other's towns.

When one of you will eventually have to move

If it's going well, the question arrives sooner or later: who moves? In the country that can mean leaving a job, a family farm, a sporting club or kids' schools behind.

Don't let it sit unspoken for a year. Raise it once the relationship is serious enough to justify it, and look at it practically. Our guide to moving town for a relationship goes through the questions worth answering before anyone packs the ute, and if one of you is tied to a property, dating when you live and work on the land is worth a read.

Signs the distance is the problem, or the cover

Sometimes distance is just distance. Sometimes it's something else.

It may be the distance if visits keep getting cancelled for real reasons, you're both tired and resentful, and the costs are hurting. That's worth an honest talk about whether the timing is right.

It may be a cover if the person can never quite visit, always has a reason not to video call, or starts asking for money for fuel, a car repair or a ticket so they can come and see you. Scamwatch lists requests for money as a warning sign, whatever the story, and the National Anti-Scam Centre advises never sending money to someone you haven't met in person. Our guide to romance scams in Australia explains what to do next.

Finding someone within a drive you can live with

Decide your limit before you start browsing: an hour, two, three. Oasis Singles is for singles outside the capitals, and joining and browsing are free, so you can see who is within a drive you're prepared to repeat before paying to read and reply to messages. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, so check where someone actually lives before you plan the trip. How Oasis Singles works explains what's free and what's paid.