Keeping your dating life private in a small town

In a small town, being on a dating site isn't really the privacy problem. Most people assume their single neighbours are looking. The problem is how quickly a profile can be joined up with everything else: your ute, your workplace, your kids' school, your Facebook. A few careful choices stop that.

Who can actually see your profile

Other members can see your profile, and so can members of partner sites in the same network. Members who joined through one of those sites can see and message you too, so someone from your district might come across you even if they've never heard of Oasis Singles.

Two other things worth knowing:

• Every photo is reviewed. What members write about themselves is not checked, so take what you read on any profile as a starting point, not a fact.
• This website and the members area are separate. Reading these guides doesn't create a profile. Your profile exists only once you sign up in the members area. Our privacy policy explains what this website does and doesn't collect.

A privacy checklist before you sign up

Five minutes of setup saves a lot of awkwardness later. Before you create a profile:

1. Use an email address you don't use for work or share with family.
2. Pick a first name or a shortened name, not your full name.
3. Choose photos you haven't posted anywhere else (more on this below).
4. Decide what area you'll name: your town, or the nearest bigger centre.
5. Decide what you'll say about work and kids before you're filling in the box.

How Oasis Singles works covers what you need to join and which profile details are optional.

Photos that don't give away more than you mean

Look at each photo as a stranger would before you upload it, and check the background. Your photos say more than your words.

• Cars and utes: crop out numberplates and anything distinctive, like a business sign on the door.
• Your house: skip shots of the front of your house, the street or the view from your verandah if locals would recognise it.
• Work: a uniform with your employer's logo tells people where to find you between nine and five.
• Kids: leave them out entirely. You can say you're a parent without showing them.
• Local landmarks: a photo at the town's one famous lookout is lovely, and also tells people exactly where you live.

Use photos you haven't posted on your social media. Scamwatch suggests a reverse image search, which looks for the same picture elsewhere online, as a way to check whether a match's photos are genuine. Anyone can do the same to you, and a photo that's also your profile picture elsewhere leads straight to your full name and friends list.

What to leave out of your written profile

Keep the details that make you interesting, and leave out the ones that make you findable.

If you'd rather be vaguer still, name the region rather than your town. Anyone who's a genuine match will understand once you explain why. Shift and FIFO workers have an extra reason to be careful; see dating with FIFO or shift work.

Keep the chat on the site until you've met

Keep messages on the site until you've met in person and you're comfortable. A mobile number can be searched, and it's often linked to your other accounts and apps.

That also helps with scams: Scamwatch lists a request to move the conversation to another app as a warning sign, and it advises against sharing ID documents, passwords or one-time codes with anyone.

Intimate images and threats

Don't send intimate photos to someone you haven't met. Scamwatch has warned that intimate images and webcam sessions have been used for blackmail, and the eSafety Commissioner calls this sextortion: someone threatening to share a nude or sexual image of you unless you pay or send more.

If it happens:

1. Stop all contact and don't pay or send anything more, as eSafety advises.
2. Keep the evidence: screenshots, usernames, links and any payment details they gave you.
3. Report it to the eSafety Commissioner, which can help remove content and stop threats. Victoria Police also points people to eSafety for image-based abuse.
4. Tell the police, especially if you feel unsafe. In an emergency, call 000.
5. Report the profile from inside the members area.

eSafety is clear that image-based abuse is not your fault. If the person threatening you is a current or former partner, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) offers confidential support for anyone affected by domestic, family or sexual violence.

Card statements and shared devices

The members area shows the billing name that will appear on your statement at checkout, before you pay, and it may not say Oasis Singles. If you share a bank account or someone else sees your statements, it's better that it doesn't come as a surprise. The prices page explains billing and renewals.

On a shared family computer or tablet, log out when you're done and don't let the browser save your password.

Leaving cleanly

When you've met someone, or just had enough, close things properly:

1. Cancel your membership in Settings > Billing. Memberships renew automatically until you do.
2. Delete your account from your avatar > Settings > Delete Account, if you don't plan to come back. Cancelling alone doesn't remove your profile.

When someone you know messages you

It happens in small towns: a match turns out to be your cousin's ex, a colleague or the bloke from the tyre shop. You don't need to explain or apologise. A short, friendly reply that closes the door is enough, for example:

"Ha, small world. I don't think we're a match, but good luck with it, and I'll keep this between us."

If they keep messaging after a clear no, stop replying and use the block and report options in the members area.

The other side of small-town privacy

Privacy works both ways. If you spot someone you know on the site, don't screenshot it, mention it at the pub or tell their sister. They're doing exactly what you are.

For the social side of dating where everyone knows everyone, read our guide to dating in a small town. Single parents will find more on keeping kids out of it in dating as a single parent in a regional town. For first-date safety, see our safety page, and for scams, our romance scams guide.